TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE

dMYD DVD

Starring Awesome Welles

Trailer

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There’s something hugely appealing about depicting Orson Welles, the monumental prototype auteur genius/ professional fat-ass, as a gargantuan winged beast prone to devouring planets whole in a fit of galaxy-sized hunger, complete with a robot mustache the size of Greece to compound his devilishness. All-consuming awfulness acts as both character trait and film synopsis here, as everyone’s favorite Autobots are wiped out in the first eighteen minutes of scratched-out crapimation in a desperate lurch for the wallets of children. They’re all dead, the new characters are terrible, the celebrity voices are terrible, the humour is terrible, the phrase ‘crapimation’ is real now, a genuine phrase, there are 80s rock ballads every twelve seconds, and nobody cares about anything or anyone.

Welles’ final film, its best watched as a direct sequel to Citizen Kane, a meta-fictional dinosaur pile-up of how bad cinema can get, the direct line from the greatest film ever made to a cheap series of images designed to sell plastic. If he wasn’t so fat he’d be spinning in his industrial strength coffin, and if there’s any justice in the cosmos he’ll be back to eat everyone involved in the production, including Leonard Nimoy. Go on, imagine that for a second. Orson Welles, slowly cutting up and devouring a grunting Leonard Nimoy. For dietary pleasure and divine retribution. Chewing slowly, emitting a guttural chuckle as he takes his time over the ears. Wait what? What was happening? A film review? No, it’s terrible. Go outside instead. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO OUTSIDE.