dMYD DVD
Starring Bob Hoskins’s Constant Regret
M
Played Mario Galaxy? Good, yes, good. Inventive. NOW RUN FOR THE HILLS LADYBIRD, THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND SOLAR DEATHS COMES FOR THE HUSKS OF YOUR CHARRED CHILDREN. Excessive, yes. Overblown. The greatest example of human evolution it may be, but what… what happens when inventiveness…goes bad? 104 wasted minutes and a lifetime of regret, that’s what, the slow realisation that a drunken DVD pop-in has escalated into something terrible and a stain, a stain that will never come clean from the pearly white of your Nintendo-loving soul. An adaptation of the game in as much as Six Feet Under is the story of Frogger, the film suffers from the off with a visibly distressed Bob Hoskins attempting to scrape his Who Framed Roger Rabbit-earned goodwill off the floor of his tatty Brooklyn apartment before falling down a symbolic and literal career hole that he never manages to crawl out of. From here on in it’s a composite of barely coherent Noo Yerk accents and bizarre things happening to ugly costumes, while bugger all people get stomped on or have racoon tails taped to their spines. Dennis Hopper shows up as Bowser, the King of the Koopas, providing the worst haircut ever filmed and a sentence no film reviewer should ever write in one weird swoop, whilst John Leguizamo looks fretful about his future career, wearing dungarees and turning his hat backwards to be cool. He’s right to cry. A mind-felching disaster in almost every way, the sheer madness of its marathon run from the wonderful source material is worth sticking around for alone, and probably led directly to our current decade of comic-book play-safe CGI parades, where everybody acts opposite a tennis ball and the actors are cast well or recast shamelessly five years later. A nightmare. It’s directed by the people who invented Max Headroom! It doesn’t look like anything else on earth! It’ll make your eyes sick!
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