SONIC THE HEDGEHOG THE MOVIE

dMYD DVD
Starring the mysterious Hyper Metal Sonic

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If one in every hundred novels holds a great film, then THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A GOOD MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEOGAME. Visceral thrills for people too scared to leave the house, button-cracking-games at their best jam interactivity at your palms and retinas, screeching into your ears about Metroids, Jinjos and other pixellated oddities that sound like a list of complaints at an STD clinic. That feeling of control? It’s not there in a film. It’s gone. You can rant about it for eight hundred years afterwards on message-boards and worthless blog-matter, but it’s not yours, you didn’t make it, you can’t change it. Which is a shame for Sonic the Hedgehog The Movie, because it really is a bucket of rubbish. Animated by half a scarecrow with crayons for fingers and a bag of piss for a brain, the whole endeavour is really only worth it for the parade of unwieldy accents that the desperate, content-ignorant hacks bring to the script, Sonic in particular sounding like a schoolgirl with no lungs attempting to play Blanche DuBois. For normal people it’s perplexing, but at least fans will be happy – all your beloved Sonic characters are present, including Princess Sara, someone called the ‘President’ and pre-school favourite ‘Drooling, Cursing, Mentally-Deficient Owl’. The plot makes no sense whatsoever, riffing on Terminator, cross-dressing and childhood nightmares from playing the Mega Drive for eighteen hours, whilst the soundtrack is awful enough to make you crave death by contortion. Disjointed, crack-dubbed nonsense then, but unfortunately not good enough to be vaguely entertaining. Excellent title though, great job 1996.